12132017Headline:

A Penny Saved is Probably Someone Else’s

 

I don’t know what your financial plans look like these days, but I can tell you, we’re starting to run out of space under our mattress. Not that there’s a whole bunch of cash under there. Actually, it’s a whole lot of IOU’s with smiley faces I’ve drawn to myself. Sometimes I add hair and little corn cob pipes so they look like snowmen.

Fortunately, Husband and I aren’t entirely broke. You may remember a while back when we met with financial planners for the first time. We realized we had five spare dollars and had heard about something called the stock market. They bandied about words like “retirement” and “bonds”. I just kept screaming, “Put it all on black. Fast and loose. Fast and loose.”

Progress was slow.

As it’d been sometime since I’d been truly confused about money or shiny folders with impressive logos on them, I decided to check in with the finance people and come to grips with what was going on. Unfortunately, our original financial advisers decided to move on. This left me explaining our expenses to complete strangers.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Josh.”

“Hi Josh. I’m here to show you what life might look like if you decide to quit your job and become a writer. Also, I’d like you to tell me if we could afford some real estate in Scottsdale. Kidding, when I told you I’m a writer, I was implying I have no money.”

“Mrs. Kellerman, how would you describe your current financial situation?”

“Sometimes I can find my debit card, sometimes I can’t. Once, when I tried to deposit a flyer for the local animal shelter, the bank teller told me I couldn’t.”

“Would you say you work on a budget?”

I considered. “If you’re asking whether we live within our means, the answer is yes. I also maintain that the kids deserved those ponies and complimentary fascinators. Husband made a big deal about it, but, like I told him, “You have to spend money to pretend to be royalty.” After that, talks pretty much shut down about the yacht.”

“I see.”

“Yeah, he maintains it was about avoiding massive debt. I say some people just aren’t comfortable with a private butler, robes made out of one-hundred-percent organic cotton, and excessive decorating with life preservers.”

“Uh huh.”

“But we do save money.”

“You do?”

“Like I said before, we’re a one-income family, but that doesn’t stop me from saving all the pennies I find on the ground around the car wash. I feel like that’s cash flow we could put to work.”

“What would you be interested in?”

“Mainly industries that are flourishing …Blockbuster, Hostess, Tae Bo.”

“You have no idea how the market works, do you?”

“None.”

All in all, I think it went really well. I got a good look at where we stand right now, and the baby took the opportunity to poop himself in the middle of the meeting, so they knew we meant business. You guys may not know, but pooping yourself in public is a sign of dominance..

…or was it incontinence?

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

She also hides out on Twitter and Facebook.


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